World

Putin’s ballot backed by last three people left alive

Russian President Vladimir Putin claims support for annexation with Russia received 99 per cent of the ballots cast in Ukraine’s Donetsk region. (The English translation of Donetsk is ‘Don’t Ask’.)

The 1 per cent against annexation will receive re-education from a firing squad.

The Bolshoi Ballot papers promised Dance Of The Sugar Plum jobs for anyone who agrees to democracy without the option.

Meanwhile, many Russian nationals are voting with their feet as tens of thousands of men escape on foot to neighbouring Kazakhstan.

TEAL INDEPENDENTS WHO CAUGHT THE CAR

Labor has surrendered to the teal wish-list, namely ‘The Integrity Commission You Can’t Refuse’ and the climate change law that protects 43 per cent of the environment.

Now their only policies are enacted, teal MPs will take a paid holiday for three years.

The teals are currently on the lookout for a new issue, one that has a whiff of progressiveness with undertones of virtue signalling and just a hint of conservatism. Serving suggestion? A bone of contention.

The teal MPs appear together, speak together, but are not together. “We are all individuals,” said one.

“Yes, we are all individuals,” said the others.

They waited for someone to say, “I’m not!”

They’re still waiting.

ICAC, UCAC, WE ALL CACK FOR ICAC

The government is creating an Independent Commission Against Corruption at the bottom of the harbour.

Whistleblowers are welcome, so long as they only blow whistles. The trouble starts when they talk.

The Opposition has responded with a plan called CACCCCCCC: A Commission Against Corruption Commissions Corrupting Commissions Corrupting Corrupting Commissions.

The ICAC will hold its meetings behind closed doors. So they won’t be able to see or hear each other.

HACKER’S SPELLING SO BAD THEY MUST BE AUSTRALIAN

The ransom demand sent by the individual who hacked Optus has all the hallmarks of someone educated by the Australian education system.

“Pleaz send munny awe else,” wrote the hacker, in a fresh threat to expose more details of Optus “costumers”.

The hacker has been described as a computer literate illiterate.

The hacker has issued an apology blaming Grammarly for the indecipherable message. The hacker now plans to hack Grammarly and fix “evryting foor avorywun en thee werld”.

Authorities are baffled by the final threat from the technological mastermind: “Qwick, befor Mum gets hom.”

In other news …

  • VODAFONE SUDDENLY LOOKING SLIGHTLY LESS CRAPPY
  • NASA LAUNCHES PROBE TO HIT ASTEROID KNOCKED INTO EARTH ORBIT BY PROBE SENT TO HIT ASTEROID
  • QUICK-THINKING SLOTH PULLS FAST ONE
  • UK ABANDONS TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS, BUT POOR STILL GETTING TRICKLED ON
  • QUEEN DIED OF OLD AGE, BUT SUSPICIONS GROW ABOUT CORGI FURBALL



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